break

I was going to drop by tonight, and give you a card... and something I baked (cookie bars with Samoa girl scout cookies, caramel, hershey's kisses, and coconut)... I thought I'd give you a birthday blowjob.

but ya know what? Fuck that. Dropped the card in the mail, and am sending the cookies to Eddie - who has never misled me or let me down or pushed me aside. Unlike you, who do those things routinely.

I love you. I will always be here for you. If you need me - as a friend - just holla - but sex? Forget it. I need a break.

I told you that without the emotional connection, sex with you wouldn't be satisfying to me. Well, I'm not feeling it. You aren't the only one who's burnt.

A month ago, you wanted to get a place with me, just so you could see me a little more. Two weeks ago, you said you love me. Then four days later you're burnt on me and are interested in someone else. I can't keep up. I have trouble shifting gears that fast - and trying to do it just burned out my motor.

And then, after you reject me - you start trippin when I say I'm going on a date with someone who's interested in me... saying you "won't bother me" - which implies that you were planning on "bothering me." That you were going to invite another woman, who you just met, over to your house (where you've never allowed me to come) and you were going to ask another woman out to dinner (when you've never gone out with me anywhere) - but still come around now and then and want to hit it. What the fuck am I? A tool to get you off and then be tossed aside like the kleenex you wipe your cum off on?

Dammit, I can't pretend that I'm not hurt. I try to be upbeat, and wish you the best even when you are acting without regard for me. Yah, it has nothing to do with me, right? And you don't feel a damn thing when I talk about other guys, either, do you? Difference is, I always ask you first. I'm frustrated at taking a back seat to everyone and everything else in your life. I deserve better than that.

I kept pouring my energy into you – and you kept pulling back or shutting me out. We connected for a minute, and then you'd be gone again. It's exhausting. I've given it everything I can, and there simply isn't any more I can give unless you give back more than crumbs. I feel like an idiot for trying so hard. I never know where I stand with you and that makes me act a little nuts.

Now, I understand crushes, and how great it feels to meet a new person. You don't know if they'll really like you, you make a little extra effort to impress them, you work to get to know them, you haven't ever gotten mad at each other yet, all the little details seem so important... infatuation is addictive and exciting. And if they are somewhat unattainable, that initial feeling can last for months.

I get crushes all the time, and tell you about them... like SoulCat. You get them too - Deidre, Ruth, China, Britta. But I never put a crush above a proven friend. I never put them ahead of you.

I even understand loving more than one person at the same time. It is possible, but it takes work to balance it and not leave someone out in the cold.

I have stuck with you through some really difficult shit. I came back to Dallas because you wanted me here, even knowing you were having a kid with another woman... all the times you stood me up, or said you'd "try" to see me (what does that mean? how exactly did you "try"?? how many seconds of effort did you actually put forth?), the times you told me you'd help out and didn't come through... I even remained your friend when you married another woman, and did my best to show that although I disagreed, I'd support you - by going to the wedding.

Admit it or not - we did talk about having a kid. You did say that I "needed" to come back here, and you missed me. You told me that you want a complete family - with a wife and kids. We did talk about getting married, and you said it would be cool. We did talk about living together. So don't act like I am stupid or crazy for thinking there was something special between us, and thinking we could have a future.

Remember the day you came over when your hair was all burnt? Remember how I made you actually take off all your, clothes, and then made love to you slowly, kissing your whole body. I found you beautiful, and told you so. Didn't matter that you weren't in prime condition... I actually liked you better that way, a little soft under my lips. Remember how exposed you felt, and how good that was, because it was safe? How you just let yourself go - and came so hard you couldn't move afterward?

I recently read a quote from a 6 year old, saying "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." That's gonna be us.

I am still in this for the long haul. You may be doing your best to assure that you bring about your fear of ending up alone... but I'll remain your friend as long as I'm alive. You can bank on that.

But right now, I'm burnt. I'm tired. I need a break. If I were important to you, you'd find ways to fit me into your life and make time for me. It doesn't have to be time alone. You could call and say you're running errands, do I want to come with? You could say you need someone to help with the kids while you do some work around the house.

Do you have any idea how painful it is to hear that you asked Britta out to dinner, that you invited her over to your home - when you never did either for me? I've told you numerous times that I want to spend time with you and your kids, and you come back and ask me if I've ever seen you with them? When you wouldn't fucking allow me to come over to your house and do just that?? You'd rather make time for a woman who doesn't want to date a man with so many kids??

That makes it abundantly clear that you simply never wanted to make time for me. That makes me feel like I'm some fuck that you don't think you have to do anything for. That you can make promises and I'll roll over for you, and you'll never actually have to do a damn thing.

You dumbass - don't you know you can have it all? You can have a loyal long-term partner, AND party, AND see other people... but you have to make a teeny bit of effort to show me that I'm worth something to you, and you have to invite me into your life. In fact, if you gave me some small commitment, I'd make sure your life was handled at home so you'd have time to play.

I'd happily take the time to drive out to see you a couple times a week, if I thought I were welcome. But you made it clear I was not.

We've had moments when we've been close, and there seemed to be so much possibility. We want the same things (family, a spouse who understands us and the fact that sometimes we need solitude and sometimes we need closeness, someone to grow old with) – but there is one major difference. I'm willing to work toward making that a reality, and you're not.

Yeah, I'm not perfect. No one is. I make mistakes. I fuck things up good from time to time – but then I sit back, figure out what I did wrong, and where I need to go from there. I keep the goal in my heart, and work toward it, even if I'm working on a back up plan, too.

If you really want me in your life, show me. Invite me to come over and spend time with you and the kids, and we can chill. Come through on your word and get me that massage table, or that piece of your art - and I'd be moved, and yeah, I'd want to taste you and touch you.

I know what I want. When you know what you want well enough to say: this is it, I'm gonna make this happen... when you decide that you want the woman who knows you and still loves you – give me a call.

Until then, I'm sure there are plenty of women who will be happy to service you. You can suck your own goddamn cock for all I care.